University Adopts Tribe to Promote Diversity
In a bid to increase diversity on campus, the University of Texas at Austin has granted the South Mall to the Undiki, a tribe that originates from the interior of the Amazon River Basin. The Undiki are expected to help keep the population of pigeons and squirrels down thanks to their great hunting skills, and will provide students and faculty the chance to interact with a primitive culture other than that found at frat parties.
This deal is part of greater transaction between UT and the Brazilian government. In exchange, UT will be building off-campus housing on cheap land in the Amazon formerly occupied by the Undiki. Though the commute to campus will indeed be a long one, University administration promises an »efficient shuttle system« to take care of the problem.
The Undiki plan to build their ritual hearth at the foot of the Mall, just behind Littlefield Fountain. Directly in front will stand the witch doctor’s hut, as well as the villagers’ living area, which will stretch to the statue of Washington. The witch doctor is said to qualify as a primary care physician under most HMOs
When Tiriki-cun-laduki, the tribe’s chief, was interviewed, he made many allusions to the abundance of wives the University will offer his tribesman and also made references to »ripe young melons waiting to be picked.« University spokesmen claim that there is no correlation between the two statements, and that the Undiki merely wish to farm. However, the university is publishing a brochure on the mating and courting rituals of the Undiki to be handed out among the women on campus. »If one of the tribesmen comes up from behind and begins to fondle you, take no offense. It is just their way.«
In a related report, many male UT students have come out publicly, claiming that they are descendants of the Undiki.