Texas

There is something surreal about the west Texas plains. A lonely windmill turns slowly in a hint of a breeze. The sky is deep blue. When you stop walking and be still, the loudest sound you hear is a locust, some buzzing critter in the brush or the sound of your own heart beating in your ears. The sun is intense, the solitude magnificent. Be there a God, look for him (her) here.

When I was a kid in west Texas every few years the city would be inundated with really large grasshoppers. It's actually one of the things that I miss now that I no longer live there. The crazy insect infestations, the sunsets, the thunderstorms in the summer time, hornytoads, there are so many things that I took for granted that I really miss now.

10 largest cities (2000): Houston, 1,953,631; Dallas, 1,188,580; San Antonio, 1,144,646; Austin, 656,562; El Paso, 563,662; Fort Worth, 534,694; Arlington, 332,969; Corpus Christi, 277,454; Plano, 222,030; Garland, 215,768

The highest point in Texas is Guadalupe Peak (8,749 ft.).

Texas was an independent country, The Republic of Texas, before it joined the United States of America. It has the right to split into five states if it chooses.

But who would get the Alamo then?

The state mammal is the longhorn.

The longhorn is also the mascot of The University of Texas at Austin.

Dr. Pepper was invented in 1885 in Waco, Texas by a pharmacist.

A famous author, wit and traveler of the early nineteenth century described his attitude upon having experienced the American frontier state of Texas in the following manner: (G. W. Bush, please note) »If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.« If anyone knows the author, I'd sincerely appreciate having my ignorance of that detail erased.

Disney Converts Max Security Prison Into Theme Park

In a deal struck between the state of Texas and the billion-dollar Walt Disney corporation , a maximum-security prison will be converted into a theme park to be called DisneyPen. The new theme park will alleviate the financial burden of Texas’ under-funded prison system and make prison life particularly enjoyable for the inmates. The Travesty was lucky enough to get an eyewitness report on the new facility from Special Reporter Barry Bishop.

The mood for the last few weeks at DisneyPen has been festive! Prisoners are enjoying the many attractions available to them. One of the main attractions that the prisoners are cheering for is the action adventure ride, »Pirates Who-Can-Whoop-Some-Ass.« In an attempt to emulate the famous »Pirates of the Caribbean« ride,
the tower guards dress like pirates and fire muskets onto prisoners who are trying to escape by swimming across a drainage ditch. One injured prisoner emphatically declared, »At least the guards gave us a sporting chance — I actually thought I was being shot by pirates. The tower guards also enjoy the change of pace. When asked how he was adjusting to his new role, one tower guard, who identified himself as Cap’n Goodeye Morgan said, «Garrgh! I got two of the salty
buckos this morn!"

Many of the other prison guards embody the adorable Disney characters we know and love —mixed with mirth and a twist of corporal punishment. There is Mickey »I-don’t-Mouse-around,« Donald »Duck-yer-ugly-face-or-lose-it,« and
Plut-O-No-Yer-Not.

A large, hirsute man wearing plastic mouse ears plays the character of Mickey. His comment concerning the rejuvenation of the prison was: »If you shove that camera in my face one more time, you’re going to eat my knee cap!«

Besides the »Pirates-Who-Can-Whoop-Some-Ass,« there is also the »Swiss Family Robinson Hole.« The solitary confinement unit has been converted into a comfortable 4 foot by 3 foot room placed on a 20 foot pole with beautiful green faux palm leaves covering the stainless steel ceiling. Whoever, happens to be visiting the »Treehouse« will be entertained by »It’s a Small World After All,« played on an accordion and pre-recorded on a continuous loop to be enjoyed for weeks.

Beside the exciting rides, prisoners can participate in games so enjoyable that the 14-hour workdays seem to just fly by! The Rock Hammerin’ Bust-A-Rama and License Plate Scrabble are just two of the many wonderful activities that
make this prison worth committing a felony to visit. It is little wonder that the inmates’ morale has reached an all time high since the opening of DisneyPen. The inmates have even written a DisneyPen theme song:

When you wish upon a star

Makes no diff'rence behind bars

Unless that star's the one in

Big Bubba's tattoo.

Like a shipment of something new,

Trade cigarettes for a sawed-off cue

When you wish upon a star

Your dreams…

are interrupted by the snoring of your cell-mate but you won’t wake him up because he might make you his
new wife since he hasn't seen a woman in the thirty years he's been in the slammer for triple homicide and then

kill you.





(By Barry Bishop.)